the universe always delivers
just don’t hold your breath
like the lure of the jackpot
keeps a gambler coming back
sent you some real energy
got quiet, found the words
felt the words, put pen to paper
just for myself
intent and experiment
testing the unconscious threads
and you felt it
and you came through
again
always when it matters most
i float
suspended by your energy
Pulling weeds has taught me a lot about healing.
I have early memories helping my mother clear out the
unwanted plants growing around our tomatoes and the basil.
It’s best to get down on your hands and knees
when you’re pulling weeds, some jobs are meant to be dirty
and there are some challenges that call us
that can only be faced by getting into the thick of it
Weeding is tiring, even if it doesn’t start off that way
the feeling kicks in sooner or later.
And the once-patient process turns to the desire for efficiency-
curiosity in examining the minutiae of each plant
is replaced with task-based analysis.
It would be so easy to just start gripping the exposed parts
that we can see and excising them from the ground.
But the weeds will grow back. It requires a gentle love,
a dedication that is grounded in strength, to put in the time
the care, the effort
so that with some excavating and some assistance, and if
I pull with some patience, I can remove these unwanted roots
once and for all.
The beginning of a healing process can make me feel dark,
isolated, ugly. There’s been times
where I’d love nothing more than to just lay waste
to all that previously existed in myself
to start fresh.
But this would cause great harm, unnecessary pain.
You see, there are always
trees and shrubs and flowers and fungi growing within me.
I must be oh so intentional to appreciate and preserve
the life and rareness while I add up all the single seconds of miraculous joy
these roots must be protected while I do my pruning.
Fire reduces forests to ash
Below the surface, deep within the roots
there are organisms already at work, forces are in action
creating new life and sustaining what’s left –
even as the tree is still burning.
Other trees will share what they can so that
the one who is in need will have just enough- perhaps less than desired,
it might even feel like it’s starving- but in time that tree will also realize-
what it has, and what’s been given, these things are enough.
Life is incredible right now.
I’m wildly humbled by the quality of people in my life,
who show up and care and share life and share fun-
never particularly grandiose, just so pure, real, human, tangible.
I’ve got my tribe, some new and some old- all magical humans.
And our paths have come to cross and intersect? In San Francisco?
The city’s energy is hard to enunciate- but there is something quite special here.
I’ve had two goals for my daily practice since last August- to savor and express joy more often,
and that above all else, I practice to deepen my capacity to love unconditionally.
No elaborate metaphors or prose today- just gratitude, sitting and basking in gratitude
You know what’s crazy? When life is tough, when it’s crushing-
it doesn’t get any better than that moment, that single present moment.
We don’t know if we’ll get the next minute- and sitting with this is hard, it’s uncertain-
it can draw out fear and anxiety. And more discomfort is caused by looking to the future
or the past, the aversion of anything but this present pain.
But here’s something I’m just learning-
the deeper I can commit to that truth when times are hard, if I can sit in the depths
with conviction and patience and shed my ego to look for growth-
the more profound the good times become
Because now, the opposite end of the duality is also true- it doesn’t get any better than this present moment
and this time, it’s not tough to sit with, it’s not so hard to believe. It’s beautiful!
And we all deserve happiness.
the earth-walker, the sky-walker
and the silent one, and the great talker
what if the destination is you?
what if it’s always been you?
these are my two wolves
she is ever-present, sometimes in the shadows
her strength is unwavering
committed to sustenance
committed to providing for her pack, her inner circle
the gaze she offers is not cold, but it’s piercing
she seeks to understand, dive deeper, to grow close
this one knows her worth, she does not need to be reminded of her journey
it’s been a challenging road, sometimes she had help, sometimes she was alone
but she leaves no one behind
she is stronger than ever, hungry for living
she is here to learn, lessons are only provided if they are asked for
all the while, never shying from sharing her truth and her journey
he is ever-present, with his own gravity that pulls and calls
he has power and wants more, he is strong but needs to continually prove his strength
committed to progress
committed to honing his awareness, his perception, his skillset
the gaze he offers is critical, self-judging, a slave to perfection
this one is never enough, cannot be enough
swallowing even the accomplishments of today and regurgitating greater aspirations
he’s been on his own, left alone, left behind-
he must prove himself to the world, every day, the cycle makes him weary
steals joy from the present, sows apathy where there was empathy
why give trust when it can be broken? i can only trust myself
and sometimes at the quiet of late night, he admits that he has even broken trust
with his own being
he devours contentment-fueled by the seductive idea of what could be
he has achieved so much, why rest? why be content when there is more?
the clouds parted and the sky is clear
the sun is shining
i’m finally present here
home follows me and i return to myself
at some point in the past, this was the image
a feeling and sentiment that is now distant but always tangible
standing alone on a rock
far out from shore, not sure how i got there in the first place
torrential rain blankets me
frigid air on soaked skin is an afterthought
the storm is raging, thunder is crashing and my arms are extended
i’m alone in the midst of the maelstrom
still smiling.
this is raw and this is real
i am feeling, i am alive
humans all over the world, living and those who have passed
we are now connected in this visceral experience
i can tell you about loss and pain and joy and gain
i committed to staying alone on that rock, to learn
to see what i had inside
what remains when i feel empty?
remains is the wrong word- if i use that word-
it means i’ve forgotten things that need to be remembered
since i’m never empty
and that cycle will repeat forever, that’s cool with me
but now-
a waking dream
the air is still, the oscillations in my mind have eased their cadence
i can remember being alone on the rock but now i’m the whole ocean
looking to embrace, envelop, return anything that is not mine
giving wherever i have room to share
the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, that light is here
radiating on me, through me, through those i love and those who love me
the universe smiles back at me
and i am humbled.
the greatest lie i could tell myself-
that i don’t have what i need
the reality of my blessings:
no matter the time, or the energy it takes to continue persevering
i am consistently delivered exactly what i need
even if it wasn’t initially what i wanted
and it is this miraculous cycle of the next joyous moment revealing itself
that keeps the smile real
skepticism
previously gripping
let go to reveal
the real truth is that:
i judged thoughts and ideas
ignorance here
dissolution
my sense of self defenseless
and it’s come alive
who am i now?
grounded in my aura
tangible peace
who am i now?
two years ago i would have
laughed at these same words
i spent last night listening
to a 75 year old woman describing her experiences
with aging
for reasons unknown, things like:
birth living death love loss marriage divorce
these life events have been on my mind
I am tapped into the collective unconscious
and I cannot seem to separate from it.
what is aging? the physical process of cells dying?
cells dying and slowing and no longer replicating?
telomeres shortening into ephemeral wisps?
all of this is unavoidable, I hope this doesn’t come as a surprise
to you
my curiosity-
if this is aging, it doesn’t sound so bad
are people afraid of death? or are they really afraid
of growing old?
growing old is not aging. growing old is a quality of mind
a lackluster loss of wonder about the world
“this is all familiar, it’s boring”
that is more fearsome than death, no?
the passing of life is part of the cycle
losing your eyes for what is rare
hardening your heart to what is precious
closing your ears to truth
this is the death before dying
this could be worthy of some fear
because this is avoidable
===
My physical form is a mirror and a journal
reflecting past choices, past movements, actions, injuries,
some parts getting tougher, some parts getting softer
my shoulders ache, they’ve been well-used
my hips are tight, they’ve carried me thousands
and thousands
and thousands of miles
I see some changes in the mirror
I sit by the fire and roll a joint on my belly
The hair on my chest breathes and bristles
like elephant grass in the savanna day breeze
I grab the fat around my hips and am grateful
there is a surplus of energy stored within me
from a life filled with a surplus of food
among a surplus of love
among a rare circle of humans
who are all kings and queens
all of this continues to be true
even on the days when work sucks
on the days when i don’t feel understood
when i don’t understand myself
when i stop trying to understand myself and let it all be
the Spanish word for retirement is jubilación
joy, elation, release!
what a beautiful contrast to the flat word we use
retirement to the western world is:
walking away, the ceasing of something that was,
the end of putting energy into something that previously received it
stopping work because we’ve done enough and it’s time to enjoy what’s left of life
is that really the path we want to live? do we want to miss that much of life between now and then?
It doesn’t get any better than this.
“If you go looking for honey, you need to be prepared to meet the bees”
sunshine streams through the steam-streaked windows
saturday, wednesday, monday, thursday, no matter
right now! right here! not there, not yesterday or tomorrow
it doesn’t get any better then this
it never gets any better then this
think otherwise? whoa slow down! hold on now-
the next second, the next breath, the next heartbeat-
they are never promised.
life is a swirling kaleidoscope of change
amidst a cascading river of joys and sorrows
encapsulated in a whirlpool of journeys and discoveries
turn around! ah, i can breath!
how fitting, i could not see or feel
that the stream i was fighting
would pull me back home
to me!
=
journey near and far
close your eyes, swallow a star
home is where you make it
and it doesn’t have to be hard
quiet
like the stillness in the branches as the wind leaves the trees
like the owl before dawn settling back in it’s nest
like the lone man closing his eyes on the subway after a long day
like the young woman who can only find sanctuary in her small bedroom
like the wolf who’s left the pack to seek solace
like the two wolves wandering wistfully while wanting to return to earlier times
like the snake when its belly is digesting another creature
like the cigarette smoke that sends looping tendrils through the cold air
like the flame that flickers in the winter’s nocturne with each inhale and exhale
like the ash that drifts to the ground as the night draws on
like the rhythm of heartbeats and nothing else
Thoughts and Musings 